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I also realized that Farmers Only might not be for me when I saw this description of a dream date: “She can work in the rain, mud and manure all day, then get cleaned up pretty and go to town for dinner.”I do NOT want to work in manure. Sizzl Sizzl is an app sponsored by Oscar Meyer that matches people based on their bacon preference. My high school boyfriend’s mom used to know if I had been over because the house would smell like bacon.Then in college, I read too much Michael Pollan and mostly stopped eating meat.I’d never left a date to go to the ER (but I’ve thought about trying to get out of a date with that excuse), and this quick exit luckily marked the end of a week of marathon dating.I’d gone on exactly one online date before this week, an Ok Cupid test-run after pressure from my two best friends, whose couch I’d crashed on for two months after a bad breakup.But despite being a mostly-vegetarian-except-in-cases-of-drunkenness-or-dumplings, I signed up. My results: Pork Bacon Lover, Loves It Crispy, Bacon Splitter (meaning that if there was one piece of bacon on the table, I would split it with my date).
There’s an option for non-farmers, which I chose — “Big City, but want to meet country folks.”I pictured men in flannel with muscles and farmer stands where I could visit and get my free produce each week.Two guys I met in a ride invited me out for drinks, and a week later they invited me to a birthday party at the Tonga Room, where they bought me piña coladas. And during this whirlwind week of dating, I picked up another guy in an Uber Pool who asked me out for drinks after I used all my best jokes on him.Intrigued to see if this was at all romantic, I invited one of them out for dinner during my dating marathon. Farmers I’ve loved farmers ever since I started shopping at farmers’ markets and realized that most of them are bearded, strong and hunky, and have access to good produce or cheese.Unsurprisingly, I didn’t find love on a group date.All three guys did tell me they would choose me, but I think that that’s because I was the only one who stuck it out.
I sighed as I deleted the app, but I knew that it would never get me laid …